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Lingle Sends Unified Command Against
Mother Nature

HONOLULULOLO - Governor Cutter-Lingle today issued an Executive Order calling for the criminal apprehension of Mother Nature.

“When I announced that anyone interfering with Superferry operations would be dealt with under the new Security Zone law, I meant anyone.”

At a Press Conference announcing the Order, Attorney General Mark Bennett explained that akin to Hawaii’s EIS law, illegal activity within the security zone can be the result of cumulative or secondary impacts that occur outside the zone, including wind, rain, and swells that form hundreds if not thousands of miles away.

Governor Cutter-Lingle added, “While this enemy is particularly elusive, I am certain that with the help of all those 85% of us Ha-vai-ee citizens who support the Superferry, we will hunt her down and lock her away for Goodsill, oh, uhm, stryker that.”

One member of the international media present asked the Governor to comment on whether or not Her Administration had considered what sort of impact the apprehension of Mother Nature might have on local agriculture.

Cutter-Lingle replied, “Yes, we discussed it for five minutes and we concluded without question that arresting Mother Nature will have either an insignificant or possibly even highly beneficial impact on local agriculture. First of all, of all the food we consume here in Ha-vai-ee, only 10% of it is grown here. This is becasue the focus of my administration as well as those before me is on local production for foreign export anyway, so it’s not like local consumption of local agricultural products figures into current policy or most local kitchens in any apprecialble way.

Further, under my leadership, Ha-vai-ee has become the world leader in genetically modified crop production and bio-pharming. And since an ultimate goal of GMO is to make Mother Nature completely irrelevant, arresting her now for crimes against the Superferry will have an immediate positive collateral impact on our GMO and bio-pharming industries.”

Another international journalist present asked about the possible impacts jailing Mother Nature might have on tourism. “We of course considered those impacts as well, although this one only took a New York minute,” the Governor responded. “We similarly have concluded that based on available data, tourist demand for a Ha-vai-ee vacation is completely elastic; no matter how much automotive congestion, raw sewage, live fire military operations, and expensive mai-tai’s greet them upon arrival, these visitors just keep coming.

Since we’ve been steadily removing Mother Nature from the Ha-vai-ee experience for some time now, her total apprehension in Hawaii is an incremental inevitability any way.”

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but these cancelled Superfery trips is so delightful...

Hau'oli makahiki hou mai 'oukou! GY '007

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