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Superferry Rolls Out Royal Carpet For Lingle

by Piepiele Ka'ape
Thursday, July 19, 2007

HONOLULU -- Gov. Linda Lingle and 30 of her staff toured the new Hawaii Superferry "Alakai,". The ferry was tied up at Pier 19 which was fortunate since it was unable to traverse the channels due to marine warnings.

Superferry executives had nothing but praise for Lingle and her group."She carried us through so many perilous passages," said John Lehman, chairman of the Hawaii Superferry board. "With a flick of her pen she wiped out Hawai'i environmental law and eliminated an EIS. With slick double talk she turned our $40 million dock construction into 'barges'. And she took away dock space from our competitors, crippling them so we could excel."

Governor Lingle thanked former Navy Secretary, Lehman for his kind words and added, "I hope by doing these favors for Cheney's neocon friend, I'll be under consideration for a national office. Perhaps VP?"

According to West Hawai'i Today, "Most of Lingle's staff was full of oohs and ahs for the massive, well-appointed craft. Others, depending on their position in government, recalled the long road that brought them to this point or envisioned how the Superferry would change how the state does things in the future."

"These things don't just happen," Lingle said in praising staff. "It took all of us working together to circumvent environmental law and screw the neighbor islands ."

For state Homeless and Mainland Criminal Exporting Liason, Bud "Ship 'Em Out" Slathers, the emphasis was on how the new ship could help jump-start 'Oahu's lagging homeless exports to the neighbor islands, especially since 9/11 security has impacted his air operations.

The state paid more than $40 million for docking barges, improvements and relocation of existing freight infrastructure, while the federal government is providing a $140 million loan guarantee for the interisland ferry project. "This represents a real coup for neocon looting of both state and federal taxpayers," said an excited spokesperson for Vice President Cheney. "Until now we've only been able to feather our nests via war profiteering. This extends our operations into new territory - Hawai'i."

For Attorney General Mark Bennett, it was the long legal battles with environmentalists that may not yet be over. "Dang," he said, "these environmentalists are so picky. They want everyone, even Cheney's buddies, to follow the law. What kind of precedent will that set? How will politicians get ahead if they can't do favors for Karl Rove's friends?"

But Major General Robert Lee, director of the state Department of Defense, hadn't even set foot on the ship before he was talking about how important the Superferry could be during a disaster. If a major earthquake, hurricane or other disaster such as suspending the Constitution and declaring marshal law, shut down the airports, the Superferry would be invaluable shipping fresh food and supplies from island to island, or moving evacuees out, Lee said.

"Just imagine. A hurricane hits 'Oahu. We can easily evacuate all 1.2 million residents to Maui 900 people at a time. With a round trip of about 8 hours, that will only take us...let's see... ummmm...anyone have a calculator...444 days!"

"The big picture is it will help the state become a little bit more independent," Lee said. "I see the Superferry as another strong player in how we enhance our homeland security here. It's not just federal, state and local (government) involvement but now the taxpayers can foot the bill for the private sector as well."

In fact, Lee said, an entire Stryker Brigade could fit in the hold of the ship. Lehman showed the group how construction includes reinforced brackets in the cargo hold to tie down equipment during stormy seas.

"If those pesky neighbor islanders keep up their defiant ways, the Superferry will bring troops to squash them like bugs!" proclaimed Lehman.

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